1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

Electricity is really just organized lighting.

The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.

Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person – in my case the deliverer of material – is, “Don’t you see it, don’t you see how badly you’re doing?” It’s like shaking a child – which you’re not supposed to do.

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.

Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.