1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

If you you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking.

There’s some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is ‘phonics’ not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?