1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Personally, emotionally, I’d rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?