1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.’

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.

Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.