1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.

People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

It’s a “keep your fingers crossed” business, the entertainment business.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.

Why do ‘slow down’ and ‘slow up’ mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wiseguy’ opposites?