1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

No comment is a comment.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride! I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts! Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings... many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

And you know, in this country now, there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds; drive-bys, gang shootings. They're not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the bankers who launder the drug money.

That's why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.