1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

Fuck rational thought

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

I dislike and despise groups of people, but I love individuals. Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking...

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again