1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.