1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

Language always gives you away.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.