1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups.

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.