1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a ticket. They're free to leave at any time. So I'm not imposing anything on anyone. Therefore I feel free to cross the line.