1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.