1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.