1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.