1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone ... Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.