1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.