1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.