1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.