1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.