1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

They give you a colouring book and some crayons, and tell you, be creative...but don't go outside the lines.

I don't want something that's good for headaches. I want something that's bad for headaches. And good for me.