1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.