143 Quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

In real life I’m a tall, blond Christian.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there’s going to be a dinner.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, ‘Ouch.’ One day I’d like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

There are times when I’ve had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, ‘Wow, that would never work,’ even before I did it in front of the audience.

I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that.

If they’d wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn’t have asked for me.

There are certain things I don’t want to joke about. If it’s about somebody else, it’s fine. If it’s about me, I think it’s totally insensitive!

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I’d go, ‘Well, war isn’t that terrible.’