143 Quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They’re gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world – they’re gone.

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.

I don’t know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I’m onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like ‘The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,’ doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

I remember being at the premiere of ‘Beverly Hills Cop II’ and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting ‘Shakedown,’ a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.

I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’

The ‘Phoenix Sun’ did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He’s a terrorist, hasn’t bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.