277 Quotes by Greg Behrendt

I’m no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I’m using real butter.

I always tell people it’s funny that they think I’m a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.

But he was so great!? Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.

There are three kinda men in the world. There’s men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

It’s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It’s like the last Mayberry.

I’m certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

I’ve never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.