101 Quotes by Greg Giraldo

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that’s self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn’t do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

The reality is I’m not this person with this driving ‘get it done’ attitude.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he’s gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he’s gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you’re pretty much thinking you’re home free.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.

We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We’re not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can’t – we have big, fat kids.