101 Quotes by Greg Giraldo

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.