101 Quotes by Greg Giraldo

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you’ll be dead soon.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women’s breast milk. My wife’s breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I’m like, well, maybe it’s making my child fireproof.

Terrorism is obviously on everybody’s mind. The other day my son says to me, ‘Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?’ How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes – because he’s 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren’t worth it?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine.

Seventy-two virgins – does that make sense to anyone? And it’s an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it’s not 72 virgins, maybe it’s a 7-foot-2 Persian.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right.

The reality is I’m not a ‘get knocked down and come back harder’ kind of guy.