316 Quotes by Greg Gutfeld

Steer clear of pot. It’s an ambition zapper. Wait till you’ve made it. When you’re 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

The problem with the immigration debate, it’s probably is the most poisoned and political debate of any issue, because you have this huge voting bloc that everybody says is yours.

The longer I live, the more I’m convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.

Move somewhere with decent public transit so you don’t drive drunk and hit somebody.

Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell’s Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they’ll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.

I think the reason why ‘Red Eye’ is popular is because we question the common assumptions that you find elsewhere.

Paternity, paternity. Let’s think about this. This discriminates against the childless. So you get a year off because you produce a brat. If anything if you have a child you should work more because your brat’s going to annoy me at the restaurants.

I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn’t get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?

You should try to get fired once in a while. It’s good for you.