2 Quotes by Harlan Wolff

Every time I got married I was told it was time to settle down, and every time I got divorced I was told it was time to settle up. My accountant says I can't afford to settle down anymore." - Carl Engel (A farewell to Paradise)

A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?" The centurion answers, "If I wanted a double I would have ordered it.