113 Quotes by Iliza Shlesinger

Now. If someone is divorced, in my book that’s not a reason to write him off. No, I like to write men off for concrete flaws like yawning weird of holding a fork the wrong way or saying porridge. But the fact is I don’t want to date a man with kids at this stage in my life. I like children fine, and I’m sure I’ll love my own someday. But they add a layer of complication to a relationship that I’d just rather not deal with.

We try to stay as thin as possible – which also keeps us weak. When you’re skinny, you have no body fat; when you have no body fat, you’re cold all the time; and when you’re cold all the time, you stay inside; and when you stay inside... you don’t vote. I may be joking about that last part... but I’m not totally wrong. Ever stop to think that by keeping women eternally preoccupied with superficialities that we might be missing out on important things in life?

Seriously, what does having it all even mean? All is subjective. Not every woman’s vision of a perfect future looks the same. Not every woman wants kids. Not every woman wants to get married. Not every woman wants a house in the suburbs. Not every woman wants a career. Not every woman is attracted to men in the first place. Why and how did dudes become the key to our Perfect Future?

See, you teach people how to treat you. If you don’t like someone’s behavior toward you, educate them. Your Girl Logic might be urging you to crawl into a corner, to cry or sulk and pretend it’s not happening. And of course you need to pick your battles... But if you aren’t getting the respect you deserve, demand it.

I remember playing a college in Michigan, and they all held up their hand to show me where they live, which made me wonder what weird alien cult I had entered.

Being sexually harassed is the worst. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst... If he's hot, it's just plain old flirting.

There's nothing 'flash in the pan' about my career. It's been built fan by fan, city by city.

I grew up in a bit of a vacuum. And as a kid, you see 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' and you're like, 'Oh, it's a cartoon.' There's mixed media. It's funny, and there's stop-motion. But as an adult, you figure it out, how the entire underpinnings of their comedy was poking fun at the rank and file of the British aristocracy and the monarchy.

It's always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.