64 Quotes by Jack Benny

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.