64 Quotes by Jack Benny

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere.

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I’m the first one to admit it.

I’m an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I’ll really have a pain the stomach!

No matter how often I tell people I’m thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I’m that old.

I’m happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I’m finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It’s not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

The only way I’ll ever get hurt in the casino is if there’s an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.