85 Quotes by Jackie Mason

Predictions are preposterous.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!