85 Quotes by Jackie Mason

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

My grandfather always said, Don’t watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant – even if they wanted to be one?

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he’s with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he’s praying for, he’s already got!