85 Quotes by Jackie Mason

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That’s right – two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

I’m crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can’t tear the tag off the mattress.

I’ve been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what’s going to happen with our country in the future.

I’m still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I’ll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You’re crazy! I said, Write it down!

I’ve got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can’t remember why!

I can’t predict the future and I don’t have respect for people who try to.

I didn’t think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.