1,222 Quotes by Jay Leno

Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.

Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years – or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.

A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.

New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet.