1,222 Quotes by Jay Leno

Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster – mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.

Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There’s no way to win! If Osama dies, you don’t get paid. If you’re found, you get killed.

The Democrats say that President Bush doesn’t have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don’t go well, he exits in November.

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?

Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.

Today is February 14th – St. Valentine’s day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, ‘Is everything okay?’ He said, ‘You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.’ That seems a little personal to me.