1,222 Quotes by Jay Leno

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn’t that a little backwards?

John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.

Show business is like Champagne. You’ll appreciate it more if you don’t drink it everyday.

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that’s according to Saddam’s campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.

The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.

I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

I guess we didn’t even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, ‘An apology is not a sign of weakness.’ And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn’t even a sign you’re sorry.

I’m trying to sum up President Obama’s first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.

One thing about mildly dyslexic people – they’re good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.