1,222 Quotes by Jay Leno

Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.’

At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.

As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I’m sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers.

Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.

Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you’re really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it’s the greatest thing in the world.

President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.