438 Quotes by Jeff Foxworthy

I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you’ve got AN IDIOT!

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that’s been driven that hard by that many people, you really don’t want to put your key in it.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don’t have the benefit of visual things.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead.

Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not making fun of old people. In fact I think that’s the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

I’m having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, Is that y’all’s piano? I said, No, that’s our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here’s Your Sign.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity.