168 Quotes by Jen Lancaster

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.