392 Quotes by Jenny Lawson

Like it says in the Bible, being a friend means never having to witness farting belly buttons. Or something. I might be misremembering.

I’m not overweight. I’m simply overgravitated. Spell-check.

You don’t have to go to some special private school to be an artist. Just look at the intricate beauty of cobwebs. Spiders make them with their butts.

Did they teach you how to pronounce ‘Avada Kedavra’ when you bought it?” I ask. Victor just stares at me. Probably because he’s never read any of the Harry Potter books.

I’m made from a lot of unfulfilled arson. And.

They suggested that if you really want to hold a koala but can’t, just get a furry pillowcase and fill it with lightly used cat litter. Or tie a bunch of sedated raccoons together. Or maybe hold a dead koala.

I don’t understand your illness, but I know that the world is better with you in it.” In.

For a brief moment I thought that Stanley the Magical Squirrel had been alive up until only seconds before, when my father had chosen to give him some sort of bizarre colorectal exam gone horribly wrong. Then I realized that this was, more likely, a squirrel my father had found dead on the road, and that he had sliced it open and decided to use it as some sort of grotesque hand puppet culled from the very bowels of hell. Lisa.

If everything is perfect and I’m miserable, then is this as good as it gets? And the answer is no. It gets better. You get better.