172 Quotes by Jeremy Clarkson

Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you’re going.

If you’re thinking of coming to America, this is what it’s like: you’ve got your Comfort Inn, you’ve got your Best Western, and you’ve got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody’s very fat, everybody’s very stupid and everybody’s very rude – it’s not a holiday programme, it’s the truth.

The “public” seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian’s Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: ‘Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.’

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can’t have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun – except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.

Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.