172 Quotes by Jeremy Clarkson

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3).

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

The new MX-5 is like the new Ford Mondeo and the Subaru Legacy Outback. It is one of those cars that's absolutely brilliant ... and nobody buys it. You never see one on the road.

There are many ways to tell if someone is a bit thick. You can sit them in a room and ask them to push various bits of plastic into a wooden box. Or you can ask them to describe a cloud. Or you can carefully measure the distance between their eyes, the height of their forehead or the length of their arm.

...sips fuel like a mouse sipping sherry from a hypodermic needle.

In Italy, you sometimes get the impression they'd be happier to lose the Ppe than lose their right to drive like maniacs.

In the olden days it was easy to make a television work.You plugged an aerial cable into the back, then bashed the top with your fist until, eventually, Hughie Green stopped jumping up and down.

Flying means boredom. Next time you're going away, just drive. You can leave when you want. You don't have to sit next to a stranger. You can listen to all sorts of loud music without headphones and look at things out of the window that aren't just clouds. Driving is sensible alternative to flying.

Lego, however, is always opened and then left lying around so adults have something to tread on when they are prowling around around the house at two in the morning, in bare feet, looking for the source of a noise.