172 Quotes by Jeremy Clarkson

I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It's inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I've offended them, and that will be that.

I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?