188 Quotes by Jerry Lewis

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there’s no humor.

If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is – it’s hitting 70 million Americans.

People say, “How would you like to be remembered?” I don’t want to be remembered. Gimme a break. What I want is to hear what’s great about me now. Let me hear it! In the box you don’t hear these eulogies.

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don’t get into it because I do comedy already.

This is the pain pacemaker. I’ve got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It’s tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?

A woman doing comedy doesn’t offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

I think the cartoons that they’re children are watching, particularly ‘The Simpsons,’ they’re OK. I think that the adult audience is making much too much of the danger that they imply. That’s not the case. The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television.

Postwar America was a very buttoned-up nation. Radio shows were run by censors, Presidents wore hats, ladies wore girdles. We came straight out of the blue – nobody was expecting anything like Martin and Lewis. A sexy guy and a monkey is how some people saw us.

Don’t give me paper – I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that’s for life.