109 Quotes by Jesse Andrews

When girls see two Unattractives dating, they think, ‘Hey! Love is possible even for unattractive people. They have to love different things about each other than their physical appearances. That’s so sweet.’ Meanwhile, dudes see it and think, ‘That is one less guy I have to compete with for the most succulent boobs in the Boob Competition that is high school.

There’s a decent chance that I’m not even a human being.

I think I might have a disorder where your emotions frequently malfunction and a lot of the time you’re sitting there feeling something inappropriate. It should be called Emotional Moron Disorder.

Maybe after you die you get sent to a giant room with archives of newspapers that have been written by these angel journalists specifically about your life and then you read them and they look like this. That would be insanely depressing. Hopefully at least some of her headlines would be about the other people in your life and not just you.

She was now using a voice that women usually reserve for cats.

The plot of the movie seemed stupid to them: Aguirre and everyone were searching for a city that it said right at the beginning did not exist. They didn’t understand that that was the whole point. They didn’t get that it was awesome because it was so insanely meaningless.

I might accidentally become like a hermit or a terrorist or something.

It is a universally acknowledged truth that high school sucked.

I don’t want to sound condescending, so I’m not going to say anything else, except that it is literally impossible to imagine a thing dumber than sports.