559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

I've been outed as a Christian.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.