559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.

CASHIER: Are you a member of our club?ME: Um, I'm just getting hot dogs.CASHIER: That'll be four thousand dollars...or you can join our club.ME: Um, I can't come to a lot of meetings, but I guess I'll join.CASHIER: It's really convenient. Fill out this personal information for the next ten minutes.