559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.